AUTHENTIC APOLOGIES

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“I am sorry.” What makes it so hard to say those words? They seem so simple, yet we’ve been fighting against saying them since we were kids. “Say you’re sorry,” a parent commanded us. Maybe we had stolen a toy from a friend, had spoken a bad word in front of guests, or had hit a sibling. Stomping over to the offended party, we would mutter, “I’m sorry,” as quickly and quietly as possible, as if it the apology was physically painful to say.

Our human nature cringes to admit guilt. We hate to be wrong, but worse yet, we hate to confess to having wronged others. That’s what made Pope John Paul II’s apology spectacular on March 12, 2000. In a speech at St. Peter’s Basilica, the aged pope asked forgiveness for a list of sins committed by the Catholic Church. The confession included the church’s sins against other cultures, sins against women and minorities, sins of human rights abuses. Given The Catholic Church’s professed position as the authority on faith and morality, the apology is a remarkable admittance of guilt.

THE UNIVERSAL NEED TO APOLOGIZE

A leader will inevitably make a mistake. Perhaps a misjudgment of where to allocate finances, maybe a bad decision related to hiring or firing employees, or possibly a lapse in moral judgment. The mistake may be small and affect only one or two employees. Or, the mistake may be visible and far-reaching, affecting employees, shareholders, partners, and the community. Regardless of the mistake’s size and scope, a leader must learn how to apologize.

HOW NOT TO APOLOGIZE

The half-apologies of celebrities or public officials are almost laughable. The sound bites are usually as follows, “I regret that my words were misinterpreted,” or, “I’m sorry if they felt that way about my actions.” Notice how, in these phrases, the person is not even admitting guilt. Rather, they are almost blaming those they have offended for being unable to properly interpret their words or for being overly sensitive to their behavior.

TIPS FOR APOLOGIZING

In her article, “Always Apologize, Always Explain,” featured on Oprah.com and CNN.com, Martha Beck offers sound advice for giving an authentic apology.

1. Fully Acknowledge the Offense

Tell the full account of your misdeeds. Take complete responsibilities for what you did wrong, and as Beck advises, don’t avoid the worst truths. Don’t put the onus of the offense on the person who was offended, i.e., “I’m sorry they reacted that way.” Instead, assume total culpability for having made the offense.

2. Give an Explanation

While avoiding justification of your actions, explain why you made the mistakes you did. Allow your humanity to show. Admit you may need help in an area, maybe it’s treatment for substance abuse or counseling for an uncontrollable temper.

3. Genuinely Express Remorse

By recounting the ways your behavior has caused harm, you convey awareness of your misbehavior and its consequences. By doing so, you also communicate sincere regret for what you have done. Apologies should be given, not because they’re expected or because the guilty party has been caught, but because the offender has hurt someone and feels bad about having done so.

4. Repair Damage Done

If the damage is tangible, like money embezzled or assets stolen, then the apologizer should, of course, payback what was taken. Oftentimes, however, the offense creates intangible harm. This happens during an assault on a person’s character, a slur against their ethnicity, or a betrayal of their trust. “In such cases, writes Beck, “Your efforts should focus on restoring the other person’s dignity.” In every instance, to make amends should be your aim.

To read the full text of Martha Beck’s article, “Always Apologize, Always Explain”

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